"..strictly speaking, no chances"

"But for a Christian, there are, stricly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," you can truly say to every group of Christian friends "You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are, like all beauties derived from Him, and then, in a good Friendship increased by Him through the Friendship itself, so that it is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing."

-C. S Lewis (The Four Loves)

When you love God, nothing is simply left up to chance or without significance that is such a beautiful thought to me.

thoughts...

Jesus be my reality...

books I love at the moment, wisdom gained I hope to live out: "Sex God" by Rob Bell, "A Severe Mercy", "Uprising", Erwin's incredible book that has taught me so much about gratitude...

I am...
sad to leave college, but excited about the next phase in life.
excited about California, but feeling many emotions from fear to eagerness
feeling ambiguous about the direction of my career, after this summer I'm hoping I will have more discernment
desiring a "simple" life..
sometimes feel this "pressure" to do something incredibly extraordinary with gifts given to me... sometimes I feel like I would be happy just working at a coffee shop talking to people, getting to know their hearts.
tired of analyzing so much
slightly complacent, spiritually, but trying to discern if this is luke warm faith and just a phase, and how to get out of it, what that looks like, or if Im simply over spiritualizing this... and just need to pray for Jesus to be my reality, and keep moving forward in this
wondering what honoring Him looks like in certain areas and where I'm failing in this
despising legalism
grateful for all the undeserved blessings in my life... God is so good...
this is such an interesting time... best way to describe this time in my life would be "gray"

My song is love....

"So many of us who know love fear love.
We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything love is the promise of pain. No one has ever loved more deeply than God."
-Erwin McManus

"And when the sun set's and the warriors return with their swords sheathed to their camp to rest, we look back at this battlefield in all its glory, all the bloodshed, and the dried tears, realizing only then that true love is the only just and holy war worth fighting.

I am so fascinated by love, this entity we all seek, and in some cases destroy. I think one of the greatest things about love is the aspect of vulnerability. we are opening ourselves up to someone that we have only encountered recently in the grand scheme of our life. Up to this point we have known every thought, feeling, and action of ourselves; and then someone enters our little kingdom and demands to know and cohabitate in our thoughts, be apart our feelings, and create memories together.”
-Stephen Christian Anberlin

"When there is love there is no power. When there is power there is no love."
-Carl Jung

I think it's ironic that I feel like I've learned more about love and relationships not being in one. I wish I could have known some of the things I'm learning now a couple years ago. I feel like I was ignorant in many ways.... I looked at love in some ways a very selfish light, desiring to have my needs met, instead of focusing on the other person. I've learned love is not about having your needs met, but showing grace, being able to get in a fight and there be enough forgiveness there to move on.

I think it's frightening to be in love.. loving requires vulnerability, not only showing affection, but recieving it, and sometimes that's harder to do for some reason. I think I've learned it's harder because by accepting love, you are also surrenduring to the possiblility of deep hurt, not only of the possibility of loosing that person, but being stripped of your own perfections and shedding light on things that are deeply hidden in your own soul you fear others seeing.

We often end up feeling deep hate and deep love towards the person that loves us the most.. we hate them because they know us better than anyone, and tell us the truth, which often times shatters our pride. In the end though we choose to love, because they bring us and challenge us to be who we really are and to become better. By accepting love we also love ourselves in return, we are shown grace, it is such an illustration of the grace that God shows us. Love is such a paradox, it is so divine, it is so mysterious, but it is the most important thing... to recieve God's love, love yourself, and accept the love that others want to give.

"I sailed this ship of safety till I sank it"

Barbarian Faith vs. Domesticated....

>

the conviction, the realization that I've lived most of my life looking at Christianity through domesticated lenses.
I feel like I finally "get" why Jesus told his disciples to give away everything, leave everything and follow Him... why rich people have a hard time fully experiencing a life surrendured to Christ, why John the Baptist had a crisis of faith, that I so many times can relate to.

Once I encountered God I couldn't go back...

I knew He was there at a young age and my first experience I was actually frightened, because the thought of a being that big was more than my brain could or wanted to comprehend. But I knew He was there, and I knew I could never admit He wasn't.

The years that followed, grew up in an incredible church and fell in love with Jesus, and although I was so in love with Him, I never fully accepted His grace because I was so performance driven, so self-righteous and legalistic in many ways. So much of my faith had been broken down into formulas.

Having certain close friends with bring you wisdom.. Dating needs to look like this in order for it to be "Godly" & to lead to a healthy marriage.

and while so much of what I was taught was biblical, and I am so blessed by my friends and our relationships, I realized that God isn't about formulas and so much of my faith was wrapped up in what I could get out of it, which was safety, security, protection.. shelter... success....

it takes humility to fully accept His grace, and with a self-righteous attitude it made it very difficult, and even more difficult to fully accept His love....

I feel like everyday God has just revealed more and more about Himself, and who He says I am.
He is no longer the God that will just keep me safe, or my self-righteous ways... He's the God that is so mysterious... so beautiful... The God that makes my life an adventure, even if that life leads to dealth... He's the God that has created every Love story different, and each person different in order to reveal more about His character and displaying His glory in what He accomplishes in them for His Kingdom.

I want the Barbarian Faith. To be free, to not be attached to things that are not eternal.. to have the confidence to live out dreams with God and dream big dreams with Him.. to be a vessel of love and hope for Him, so that others know that He loves them.
He's the God that another day given is a gift and a day that has purpose for Him, and that He still wanting me alive to live out a purpose.

All that matters is what's in between the arrival here on earth, and my arrival to Eternity.

Quotes that have been very meaningful to me:


"When you know death, and then you see life, you will choose life even if it brings you to death."
-my new friends

"Jesus was anything but the poster child for
status quo."
-Erwin McManus

"My song is love......
You're the target that I'm aiming at
I'm on fire for You clearly...
And I'm nothing on my own"
-Coldplay

I hope this conviction doesn't leave me...
I want this faith every day.. I want to live fully alive every moment... a relationship that illustrates courage, and trust in Jesus.. I want to raise my children in a way that they fall in love with Jesus and have the freedom to risk with Him at an early age and not grow up to be "nice Christian kids" because of how they behave, but because they really "get it" and would dream big with Him. This is my prayer and hope.

Walking Wisely Weekend 2007

This last weekend of Walking Wisely was incredible, the theme was called "Charmed" & the idea behind this is about how we view relationships in this very idealistic way. That if only I was with him/her I would be happy, or if he/she would just acknowledge I exist, ask me to the prom, etc, everything would be so much better, and also the unrealistic image that our media portrays relationships to look like.

Although the weekend was about dating and relationships, more than anything it was about the importance of students finding their identity in Christ and their worth in Him and growing up to be everything that God has in mind for them.

Jarret Stevens one of the speakers stressed that the people you date, how you view dating, and the people that surround yourself with have a huge impact on how you view God, yourself, and being the person that God wants you to be.
A great question that Jarret asked us is:

"What do you think of when you think of God?" & "What do you think God thinks of you?"

I feel like all the decisions we make come down to these two questions. When I look back on decisions I've made that I wish I could do over again, I realize that at the time there was apart of me that wasn't quite trusting God & believing His promises, or I didn't think highly enough of myself so made a decision that I thought would make me feel more loved, or more accepted.

This goes back to why knowing what God thinks of you and believing that you are worthy of His love is so huge. Because of Jesus you are already fully accepted, worthy, unconditionally loved, you don't have to prove you are worth being loved.

Jarett gave the example of Samson in the bible and how Samson was a man that was set apart by God, and that because that possibly Samson didn't see himself as God saw him & how special God viewed Him, he made decisions that led to a very tragic death. Although Samson had incredible super human strength, this story was more of Samson's weaknesses. He was betrayed by three different women and over the course of these relationships broke all three of the Nazarite vows that were given to him at birth. He compromised. I wonder how differently it would have looked if he really did see himself the way God did and really trusted Him.
I think this story would have looked so much differently if Samson had not lost God's perspective on his life.

Challenging Questions:

-Do you fear being alone?
-Are there parts of of who you are that have been given away to win the affections of someone else?
-Have you compromised who you are?
-Are you surrounding yourself with people that encourage you to be the person God wants to be? Who you really want to be?
-Are you dating someone whose identiy is in God and encourages you in your walk?
-Before making lists of characteristics of what you want in a boyfriend/girlfriend, are you also holding yourself to these standards?
-Who are you when no one else is around?
-Has your identity been found in what only others say you are or the people you have dated say who you are?

These were really challenging questions and it was so cool to see how the students responded, and it was a great reminder for the leaders too.

My prayer for myself, my small group, best friends, family and every child of God is to know where your identity lies, that you were created for a purpose, that when God made you He said that you were "good", that you were worth dying for and you are unconditionally loved.

I pray that these truths would be so deeply engrained that when it comes to love, self worth, & God that every decision would reflect confidence in Christ and the security that your identity is in Him.

2007 Resolutions

I stopped making New Years Resolutions along time ago because they would usually last a month then I would forget about them, and this year I didn't really plan on making any new ones either, but last couple days/weeks of January I've just felt have had a theme, and wanted to write this so I would see and remember and in hopes of it also being somewhat inspiring to whoever reads this....

No particular order or importance, but.....

1. Really pay attention to my heart/being aware of God in everything...
I feel like ever since the moment I said YES to a dream/risking I've had for a long time and NO to doubt/fear/what is comfortable & gauranteed & actually pursuing it, opportunities just started popping up and I feel like "God is winking at me" if you've ever heard that saying before... I can't explain the feeling except it's the greatest adrenaline rush ever and I feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. So..... more yes's to what makes your heart rush, and more no's to what makes it numb.

2. Every moment is an adventure :)
One of my best friends Jacquelyn lives her life like this, and I admire her so much for it, she just wants to soak up every inch of life that is offered in everything and in everyone & life is seriously so much fun when you live it like that. I think it's so easy to take time/places/people for granted and she just takes in every minute for what it's worth. I love it... whenever i get in a bad mood or am just having one of those days, I just try and remember what her attitude would be like, I quickly try and snap out of it.

3. Really Trust God.
This whole growing up thing is kind of scary, for the first time I feel out of my parents' direct guidance-- I feel like the next step has always been kind of planned out as far as school goes, and up until about a couple months ago, grad school was next, but now that it's not... I'm not sure... scared at first, especially when I want something so bad and have no clue how the logistics will work out, but it is the coolest feeling to surrender it all and give it to God... greatest peace, and I feel so much closer to Him. I am glad He is in control and I am not. Proverbs 3:5-11 has been my prayer.. for my friends and myself :

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; ?
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do,
everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God!
Run from evil!
Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best."

4. James Dean was really smart.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"- his words
Just always remember what you want your "dash" to look like, what makes up that space that is between your birthday and when you die? 1985-
What do you want it to look like? How do you want people to remember you?
I know that's kind of morbid to think about... but for me it's so easy to forget that life is so short & precious.. I think I act like I'm going to live forever sometimes.

5.Heroes
Pay attention to people that are heroes to you and what you admire about them.... that will teach you a lot about yourself. For me I've always admired people that have chased their dreams no matter what it may cost them, or if they have no idea if they will fail, succeed or what the turn out with be, they have gone after it anyways. They have been faithful and true to themselves. So for me I want to be someone that would do the same... you should be someone you would be proud of. I think so often we doubt ourselves because of our insecurites, but we forget that our lives have great purposes and that if the Creator of the Universe believes in us & we are breathing for a reason, then it is a shame to not believe in ourselves and the power we possess.

soo for those of you who know me, keep me accountable of my resolutions, I hope they aren't just for 2007 but for the rest of my journey...

love to you all!
xoxo
me

My Dash

In Erwin McManus's new book, "Soul Cravings", which I am in love with by the way, he talks about how although we are all designed by God so uniquely and all have different stories, we all have in common "the dash", which is the line between the time of our birth and the time of our death. So mine looks something like 1985- (unknown). As humans it's easy to take for granted this gift of life and that our time is precious here, but it still doesn't mean that we should live our lives constantly worrying and wondering of when our time will come to an end eiether. There should be a balance, and like my favorite actor legend, James Dean once quoted "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today", which Erwin also quoted.. we have the same poster in our house- very cool i thought.... I think my deceased Hollywood crush has a point.

I was thinking about my dash, and what I want my grandchildren to know about me, what I want my loved ones to say about my story, my life that's included inside that dash... I want it to be something I would be proud of and something that God has written.

My parents found an old box of my mother's pictures from her early 20's, it was amazing what pictures can tell you about someone just by seeing their reaction while looking at them. I had never seen a picture of my Grandmother before, I've never met her, but have only heard about her many times through my Mother and her extended family. The tears that my mom cried from looking at these pictures were bittersweet.

I saw the picture of her and I knew it was her, because she has been in my dreams multiple times. I knew that my grandmother was a very religious woman, that she loved to sing and dance, that she loved my mother deeply, that she loved to wear a lot of jewelry, and that she had a hard life and wasn't loved in the best way by her husband. I knew that she had problems with alcohol and was married to a man that treated my own mother in a horrible way, that still makes me very upset and very untrusting of the male gender in some ways... but none the less, knowing this woman and what she was like and that gave my own mother life makes her incredibly special to me.

Although my mother has had to overcome a lot of things from her past, her dash is a story of God's grace and pursuit of her heart and abundance of blessings enfolding my mother and what has been included in her story. My mother has made choices that have tremendously impacted my life and the life of my sister and the generations to come.... it is the ripple effect at it's finest and I am eternally grateful.

So back to my dash..... I want to remember this, that although only 21, and still considered young, I look back at the journey so far, my "dash" so far has been incredible, and it wouldn't be the same, I can't even picture what it would have been like if it wasn't for God's provision and the love of my parents. I feel guilty asking the Lord for many more days and years filled with desires of mine becoming a reality, dreams being fulfilled, falling in love with a man that pursues me with all his heart, a marriage that is God glorifying and passion filled, because I have already been blessed with many healthy, joy and love filled days.

And as for love I want something real, I'm not going to just settle for the "look". I've had dreams of a baby boy... I wonder if that would become a reality, only God knows. Regardless, I yearn to be a mother, and want to raise my children in such a way that they never doubt God's love for them, or my own and that when they leave they feel they have an unconditional amount of support and love behind them.

I want to fight for the daughters of Eve in this world, to bring hope to women that have lost their hearts somewhere in Satan's decietfulness. I want to be a vessel of love, to counsel, to encourage, to care, for those that feel no one else believes in them. I will fight for them.
I want to glorify God with my gifts, I want to write.....

These are all wants, desires, they get me excited though, they get me excited about each new day, what I will experience, who I will meet, what stranger will become my friend, what glance will stir something in my heart, what song will perfectly illustrate what I'm feeling, what scent will flash a memory in my mind...

I will never forget the quote in "Under the Tuscan Sun" that goes something like, "Building the train tracks before they knew there even was any train" I guess I am living my life something like that right now. Praying the Lord is preparing my heart, purifying it, molding it, growing in it a continual love for His Son, so that when I do marry I will always know who my First Love is so I'm able to love and respect my husband with my all, and on an every day basis just grow closer to Him more so I can be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's guidance, to be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt... a light...which is happening right now.

This is my dash.... what do you want yours to look like?

I like this...

listened to a podcast from Rock Harbor Church in L.A tonight..
thought what he talked about was so important and not brought up enough...

God doesn't care about getting "better"
God cares about giving you a new heart....
we do way too much work trying to be the person we should be... but you are already there... God wants your heart.. the heart in you NOW.
By taking out your heart, the enemy takes you out..
Christianity isn't about your behavior
Christianity is about your heart....
the greatest loss I have known is the loss of the heart..
God will give you a new heart
You Are Whole...

Jesus wants truth in our innermost parts.. and if you are still hurting from past events, Jesus is going to make you face that pain and lead you to healing and forgiveness.. bring your heart to Him

Above all things gaurd your heart, because it is the wellspring of life...

God we so need to get past ourselves and what we do, and we need to get to the place where we say Lord how do you see me?
So much is at stake, nothing less than this is Christianity.. purify us.

If anyone is thirsty let him come to me....
-- Rock Harbor Church