My song is love....

"So many of us who know love fear love.
We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything love is the promise of pain. No one has ever loved more deeply than God."
-Erwin McManus

"And when the sun set's and the warriors return with their swords sheathed to their camp to rest, we look back at this battlefield in all its glory, all the bloodshed, and the dried tears, realizing only then that true love is the only just and holy war worth fighting.

I am so fascinated by love, this entity we all seek, and in some cases destroy. I think one of the greatest things about love is the aspect of vulnerability. we are opening ourselves up to someone that we have only encountered recently in the grand scheme of our life. Up to this point we have known every thought, feeling, and action of ourselves; and then someone enters our little kingdom and demands to know and cohabitate in our thoughts, be apart our feelings, and create memories together.”
-Stephen Christian Anberlin

"When there is love there is no power. When there is power there is no love."
-Carl Jung

I think it's ironic that I feel like I've learned more about love and relationships not being in one. I wish I could have known some of the things I'm learning now a couple years ago. I feel like I was ignorant in many ways.... I looked at love in some ways a very selfish light, desiring to have my needs met, instead of focusing on the other person. I've learned love is not about having your needs met, but showing grace, being able to get in a fight and there be enough forgiveness there to move on.

I think it's frightening to be in love.. loving requires vulnerability, not only showing affection, but recieving it, and sometimes that's harder to do for some reason. I think I've learned it's harder because by accepting love, you are also surrenduring to the possiblility of deep hurt, not only of the possibility of loosing that person, but being stripped of your own perfections and shedding light on things that are deeply hidden in your own soul you fear others seeing.

We often end up feeling deep hate and deep love towards the person that loves us the most.. we hate them because they know us better than anyone, and tell us the truth, which often times shatters our pride. In the end though we choose to love, because they bring us and challenge us to be who we really are and to become better. By accepting love we also love ourselves in return, we are shown grace, it is such an illustration of the grace that God shows us. Love is such a paradox, it is so divine, it is so mysterious, but it is the most important thing... to recieve God's love, love yourself, and accept the love that others want to give.

"I sailed this ship of safety till I sank it"

Barbarian Faith vs. Domesticated....

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the conviction, the realization that I've lived most of my life looking at Christianity through domesticated lenses.
I feel like I finally "get" why Jesus told his disciples to give away everything, leave everything and follow Him... why rich people have a hard time fully experiencing a life surrendured to Christ, why John the Baptist had a crisis of faith, that I so many times can relate to.

Once I encountered God I couldn't go back...

I knew He was there at a young age and my first experience I was actually frightened, because the thought of a being that big was more than my brain could or wanted to comprehend. But I knew He was there, and I knew I could never admit He wasn't.

The years that followed, grew up in an incredible church and fell in love with Jesus, and although I was so in love with Him, I never fully accepted His grace because I was so performance driven, so self-righteous and legalistic in many ways. So much of my faith had been broken down into formulas.

Having certain close friends with bring you wisdom.. Dating needs to look like this in order for it to be "Godly" & to lead to a healthy marriage.

and while so much of what I was taught was biblical, and I am so blessed by my friends and our relationships, I realized that God isn't about formulas and so much of my faith was wrapped up in what I could get out of it, which was safety, security, protection.. shelter... success....

it takes humility to fully accept His grace, and with a self-righteous attitude it made it very difficult, and even more difficult to fully accept His love....

I feel like everyday God has just revealed more and more about Himself, and who He says I am.
He is no longer the God that will just keep me safe, or my self-righteous ways... He's the God that is so mysterious... so beautiful... The God that makes my life an adventure, even if that life leads to dealth... He's the God that has created every Love story different, and each person different in order to reveal more about His character and displaying His glory in what He accomplishes in them for His Kingdom.

I want the Barbarian Faith. To be free, to not be attached to things that are not eternal.. to have the confidence to live out dreams with God and dream big dreams with Him.. to be a vessel of love and hope for Him, so that others know that He loves them.
He's the God that another day given is a gift and a day that has purpose for Him, and that He still wanting me alive to live out a purpose.

All that matters is what's in between the arrival here on earth, and my arrival to Eternity.

Quotes that have been very meaningful to me:


"When you know death, and then you see life, you will choose life even if it brings you to death."
-my new friends

"Jesus was anything but the poster child for
status quo."
-Erwin McManus

"My song is love......
You're the target that I'm aiming at
I'm on fire for You clearly...
And I'm nothing on my own"
-Coldplay

I hope this conviction doesn't leave me...
I want this faith every day.. I want to live fully alive every moment... a relationship that illustrates courage, and trust in Jesus.. I want to raise my children in a way that they fall in love with Jesus and have the freedom to risk with Him at an early age and not grow up to be "nice Christian kids" because of how they behave, but because they really "get it" and would dream big with Him. This is my prayer and hope.